LGBT Asia: Thoughts About Bisexuality

I promised a follow up post to the short talk I gave at the Southbank Centre a few weeks ago, so here it is. With anything we write or say beyond cathartic self-expression, I believe the reactions people have to our work are very important to note. Given the short amount of time we had for discussion, I wouldn't say any of us had the chance to fully articulate our positions. As such, I don't want to single anyone out or criticise anyone, and will rather be speaking generally. The below is an amalgamation of themes that arose from discussions after the event had come to a close, and I wanted to expand on certain impressions people seem to have of bisexuality that keep cropping up in my life.

One of the most honest things I've heard in a while was around jealousy, and how gay men and lesbians may be jealous of bisexuals given we are capable of having heterosexual relationships. As perceived by them, this allows us to gain access to heterosexual privileges and shields us from homophobic discrimination. And yet, our realities are often a little more complicated. It's true that heterosexual relationships are still more socially accepted - whether in Bangladesh or the UK. And in Bangladesh, some very significant legal barriers fall away as soon as you are involved with the opposite sex. And so to a certain extent, I can understand the jealousy. It's rooted in how our world is currently structured and not something to be dismissed - although it's important to note it's not this way because of something bisexuals have done. But there is more to it than that. If you're openly bisexual, the homophobia, and indeed the biphobia, don't suddenly go away. We merely face a different set of prejudices and stereotypes when we enter an opposite-sex relationship - the questions about when we're going to cheat, when we're going to “switch” sexualities again, and of course the "everlasting taint" of any same-sex partners from our past. So yes, while we may be able to get married, and get that couple's honeymoon deal no-awkward-questions-asked, acceptance itself can remain an elusive goal.

Making Progress or Losing Ground: LGBT Asia

Being Bisexual: Navigating Invisibility & Practicality

Level 5 Function Room, Royal Festival Hall

Last weekend I spoke at this Alchemy Festival event in the Southbank Centre. Organised by Bobby Tiwana, it was a brief look at South Asian LGBT communities in the home countries and the diaspora through the perspectives of various speakers. It was an intimate affair attended by around 40 to 50 people, with short talks followed up with café-style discussions among the audience and facilitators. I am posting the text of my speech below, which touched upon both bisexuality and the wider environment faced by LGBTQ people in Bangladesh. 

"I didn’t know the Bengali word for bisexual until I Googled it while I was at university. I didn’t actually even know the English word 'bisexual' until I was thirteen or so. Before then, I’d thought I was the weird gay kid who liked girls on the side.

I thought it would be good to start with some humour, but honestly I’m telling you this because it sets the tone for the rest of what I’m going to say, about how bisexuality is often not discussed or mentioned, or misunderstood.

I think bisexuals make many heterosexual and homosexual people uncomfortable - often because they’re confused by us. Maybe to an external monosexual observer, it can look like I’m pursuing men one day, and then the next day I flick a switch, become straight, and am pursuing women. And I guess this can be quite disconcerting, especially for a group of people who’ve built their activism around the slogan that sexual minorities do not choose to be attracted to who they’re attracted to. 

মতামত: ব্যক্তিগত কৃতি

শীতের ছুটিতে এবার দেশে ফেরত গেছিলাম, তবে তেমন কোন খবর
নেই যা নিয়ে লেখা-লেখি করা যায় 

অনেক দিন পর ব্লগে পোস্ট লিখছি, এবং প্রথমত এর জন্য দুক্ষ প্রকাশ করছি। সত্তি কথা হোল যে আমার জীবনে এ মুহুর্তে লেখার মতন তেমন কোন বিষয় নেই। আমি সাধারণত একটি বিশেষ প্রসঙ্গ নিয়ে বেশ কয়েকটা লেখা ছাপাই ব্লগে, এবং আমার গত কয়েক পোস্ট ছিল মানুষকে আমার উভকামিতার কথা খুলে বলা নিয়ে। আমার এখনো এই ধারাবাহিকতার সব পোস্ট গুলো বাংলায় অনুবাদ করা হয়নি, তবে আমি এখনি অনুভব করছি যেয়ে এ নিয়ে আমার আর তেমন নতুন কিছু বলার নেই। 

আমি শীতের ছুটিতে বেশ কয়েক সপ্তাহ কাটিয়ে এসেছি দেশে এই কয়েক মাস হবে, এবং যাওয়ার আগে আমি ভেবেছিলাম এবার বোধয় আমি আমার পরিবারের বেশ কিছু সদস্যকে আমার উভকামিতার কথা খুলে বলব। কিন্তু সবার সাথে ওঠা-বসা এবং ছবি তোলার মাঝে আমার নিজের কাছে মনে হয় - ব্যাপারটা কি আসলেই এত দরকারী যে সবাই কে সামনা-সামনি খুলে বলতে হবে? ব্যাপারটা এই না যে নিজের পরিচয় নিয়ে অবাধে বাস করাতে আমি আর বিশ্বাস করি না। বরং এ স্বাধীন ভাবে বাস করার কারণেই আমি নিজেকে এই প্রশ্ন করি। যারা জানতে চায় তারা সহজেই আমার ব্যাপারে সোশ্যাল মিডিয়া অথবা পারস্পরিক বন্ধুদের কাছ থেকে জেনে নিতে পারে। এই কারনে মানুষকে সামনা-সামনি বলা - বিশেষ করে যারা আমার খুব একটা ঘনিষ্ট না - এখন আমার কাছে আর খুব একটা গুরুত্বপূর্ণ ব্যাপার না। আমি কাকে পছন্দ করি বা ডেট করছি - এ প্রসঙ্গ নিয়ে আমি আমার অনেক আত্বীয়-স্বজনেরই সাথে কখনো আলোচনা করি না, এবং  সে মানুষের জেন্ডার তাতে কোন ফ্যাক্টর না। এক কালে আমার মানসিকতা যখন অন্য রখম ছিল আমি হয়তো জোর করে এ সমস্ত প্রসঙ্গ নিয়ে কথা তুলতাম সচেতনতার জন্যে, তবে আজ আমি মনে করি একই সাথে নিজের ব্যক্তিগত জীবন কিছুটা নিজের জন্যে রক্ষা করা উচিত। আমার আত্বীয়-স্বজনেরা আমার উভকামিতার কথা একদিন নিশ্চয় এমনিই জেনে যাবে। 

তবে এই সবের শর্তেও হয়তো এই বিষয়ে আরও এক-দুইটা লেখা আমি ছাপতে পারি। আমার মা-বাবা এখনও আমার উভকামিতার কথা জানে না, এবং তাদেরকে সত্তি কথা খুলে বলা আমার মতে আমার নিকটতম বড় ধাপ। আমি কবে এ ধাপ পার হব তা জানি না, এবং এ করনে এখন কোন সময়ের ইঙ্গিত দিচ্ছি না। ইতিমধ্যে আমার আরো অনেক কিছু করার আছে। আমি আমার চাকরির উপর ফোকাস করেতে চাই, যা নিয়ে আমি সাধারণত এই ব্লগে লিখি না। আমি আমার বিশ্বাস নিয়ে শান্তিতে আছি। এ শান্তি সহজেই আসে যখন মানুষ বোঝে যে ধর্ম অনেক ভাবে ব্যাখ্যা করা যায়; এবং যারা LGBT পরিচয় কি তাই জানে না বা কোনদিন তারা LGBT মানুষের সাথে মুখোমুখি হয়নি, তাদের কাছ থেকে মঙ্গলকর ব্যাখ্যা আশা করার কোন মানে হয় না। অনেক মানুষ আমাকে বিভিন্ন LGBT অধিকারে বিশ্বাসী ইসলামী পাণ্ডিত্যের সোর্স পরার পরামর্শ দিয়েছে, হয়ত এখন সময় হয়েছে এগুলো সব খুঁজে বের করে নেয়ার।

আমার ব্যক্তিগত জীবন নিয়ে তেমন কিছু লেখার না থাকলেও যে আমার লেখা থামিয়ে দিতে হবে তা নয়। আমার ব্লগের ড্যাশবোর্ডে বিভন্ন ছিটে-কাটা লেখা পরে আছে - বেশিরবাগ LGBT অধিকার, বাংলাদেশ ও ইসলাম নিয়ে। আমি আশা করছি যেয়ে এগুলো একটু গোছগাছ করার পর সামনের কয়েক মাস ধরে এগুলো চাপবো - তবে বিষয় গুলো বেশি জটিল হলে হয়তো বাংলায় অনুবাদ হবে না!  আর এ ছাড়া আমি অবশ্যই এখনও Twitter-এ একটিভ আছি। 

Opinion: Personal Milestones

I was in Bangladesh over the winter, but it seems I don't have
much to report back. 

I haven't written for the blog in quite some time, and so first and foremost my apologies to anyone who's been waiting for an update. In truth, I haven't been writing because I haven't had much to report. As you may know, I write thematically - and my current series of posts focus on coming out to different people in different situations. And I feel I've now reached a point where I've written almost as much as I can on this topic. 

I spent a sizeable part of my winter break in Bangladesh, and I had originally intended to speak to various members of my extended family about my bisexuality during this time. However, in the midst of all the reunions and family photos sessions, I realised how unimportant the issue had become to me. I don't mean to say I no longer identify with the principle of being open and comfortable with one's sexuality. Rather, as a result of this principle I lead a fairly transparent life now. Those who want to know about me can easily find out through social media or mutual connections. This means telling people, especially people who I am not particularly close to, is a low priority in my life. Any conversations I would have had with certain relatives would have felt forced. I would never discuss my intimate personal or romantic life with some of them, no matter what the gender of my partner - we just aren't that close. Once upon a time I may have contemplated braving through a few awkward conversations to create awareness, but there needs to be a balance between that and what is one's personal space. My extended family will find out in time anyway, as I tell the remaining important people in my life about my bisexuality. 

On that note, I have the odd story I may still want to tell, but I feel the next (and possibly only) important milestone left to me on this theme are my parents. I don't know when this milestone will pass, and so I will give no indication of dates. In the meantime, I want to focus on other things. I have my career to work on, a subject I do not discuss on this blog except where it becomes relevant in terms of my sexuality. I am at peace with my personal beliefs, which comes easily when one realises religion is always down to interpretation. This holds true no matter what the status quo insists, and however much judgement they pass without genuine awareness of LGBTQ realities. There are many scholars, past and present, who's works people have recommended - perhaps it is time I get around to looking into them. And just because I have fewer personal stories to publish doesn't mean I can't continue to write about issues that are important to me, which will usually converge around LGBTQ equality, Bangladesh and Islam. I have a collection of thoughts, notes and mutilated essays on these very topics sitting on my dashboard. Over the coming months, I will be concentrating on publishing these, once I've managed to organise them in a way that makes sense. Until then, I will be on Twitter as usual. 

Opinion: Notes on Pride 2014

Pride in London

Visibility is important

I marched at London Pride again this year, with Imaan as usual. Rather than repeating least year's post, I wanted to write about a few things that were new this year.

We started the day with a heavy dose of rain and Islamophobia, the latter of the two courtesy of an official Pride In London steward. Said steward had decided to move Imaan away from behind a gay Catholic group called The Quest - our original marching position - in case there were problems. One of the Imaan committee members had to speak to the steward before we were allowed to march from our planned spot. I don't know if any apology was given, but I believe the committee will try to contact Pride In London themselves so I hope to find out more in the future. The Islamophobic insinuation was appalling, and generally a poor way to start the day.

Opinion: Bangladeshis React to Gay Pride

Apparently the next march should be bombed

Update (20th April 2014): According to the Gay Star News article here, they spoke to the organisers and this was not a Pride march but rather a rally to celebrate diversity and friendship with LGBT and allied participation. Personally I think this is a good stance and a very good first step. I'm leaving this and my other blog posts as they originally were, but including this note for clarity - the assumptions about it being a Pride march were mine based on news and social media reactions.

Every year on the 14th of April we celebrate Pahela Boishakh in Bangladesh. This year was no exception, except for the short rainbow themed rally that took place right after the main New Year's march. Bystanders may not have exactly understood the nature of the rally at the time, but people soon realised what it was given the later media reaction. Priyo.com published an article on the march, and people - just like the commenter above - have since been reacting on Facebook, Twitter and various blogs. A translation of the article can be read here.

I am very grateful to the people behind the rally as what they did was incredibly brave. I've always wanted Bangladesh to make advances with respect to LGBTQ rights, but I didn't think I would see such an event so soon. However, there is still quite a long path ahead of us in terms of acceptance if people's reactions are anything to go by. Below are a set of thematically arranged comments, most popular in terms of likes, that people have made in response to the aforementioned article on the rally. 

Names and pictures are blacked out, and I'm only describing the gist of each comment as opposed to doing word by word translations. Feel free to get in touch if you want an exact translation of anything below. 

Religion and Islam 

As a queer Muslim one gets used to hearing the story of Prophet Lut

The above comment talks about the story of Lut, and has had the most likes on the site so far. People often like to remind queer Muslims about how God destroyed an entire population for the sin of homosexuality. But what everyone seems to forget is that (1) the context of that story is male homosexual rape, (2) the people in question had committed a number of other sins and were ultimately destroyed for denying God. People also forget or probably don't even realise that the Quran affirms the existence of men who have no desire for women without any negative connotations and talks about accepting diversity. 

মতামত: সমকামীদের প্রতি বাংলাদেশি মানুষের পতিক্রিয়া

আমাদেরকে নাকি বোমা ফাটিয়ে মেরে ফেলা উচিত

উপডেট (২০ এপ্রিল ২০১৪)ঃ গে স্টার নিউজ নামে একটি ইংরেজি অনলাইন সাইট রিপোর্ট করছে যে এটা ঠিক 'গে প্রাইড প্যারেড' ছিল না। আর্টিকেলটি পড়তে পারবেন এখানে। রূপবান, জারা এ প্যারেডের জন্য দায়ী, তারা বলেছে যে এটা মানুষের মধ্যে যে বৈচিত্রতা ও বন্ধুত্ব হতে পারে সেটা তুলে ধরার জন্য আয়োজিত করা হয়েছিল। আমার মতে এটা তাও খুব ভালো একটা পদক্ষেপ, বিশেষ করে আমাদের দেশের কথা চিন্তা করলে। আমি আমার এই এবং অন্যান্য ব্লগ পোস্টগুলো পাল্টাছি না তবে এ নোটটা উপড়ে দিয়ে রাখছি ইনফর্মেশনের জন্য। এ প্যারেডটা যে 'প্রাইড প্যারেড' ছিল তা আমি ভেবেছিলাম শুধুমাত্র নিউজ ও সোশাল মিডিয়ার পতিক্রিয়া দেখে।

গত মঙ্গলবার ১৪ এপ্রিল আমরা ১৪২১ সালের পহেলা বৈশাখ উদজাপন করলাম, যেমন আমরা করি প্রতি বছর। কিন্তু এ বছর মঙ্গল শোভাযাত্রার পরে কিছু মানুষ রংধনুর রঙে রাঙানো ছোট্ট একটি মিছিল বের করেছিল। ঠিক ওই মুহুর্তে জনসাধারণ বুঝতে না পারলেও পরে সবাই ঠিক বুঝতে পারে যে এটা একটি 'সমকামী র‍্যালি' ছিল।এ নিয়ে priyo.com এ একটি লেখাও চাপা হয়েছে। এ লেখা, ফেসবুক, টুইটার ও বিভন্ন ব্লগে অনেক বাংলাদেশী মানুষের বিভিন্ন পতিক্রিয়া প্রকাশ হয়েছে - উপরের ছবির মানুষটির কমেন্টের মতন।

এই কারনেই যারা এ মিছিলের আয়োজন করেছে, তাতে অংশ গ্রহণ করেছে তাদের কাছে আমি কৃতজ্ঞ। এরখম একটা কাজ করা সাহসের ব্যাপার। আমার আশা ছিল যেয়ে আমার জীবনে দেশকে এ বিষয়ে অগ্রগতি করতে দেখে জাব। এতো তাড়াতাড়ি এরখম জিনিস দেখবো তা ভাবিনি। তবে সাধারণ মানুষের আমাদেরকে গ্রহণ করতে এখনো অনেক দিন বাকি। মানুষজনের কিছু প্রসঙ্গ অনুযায় বেশি 'লাইক' পাওয়া কমেন্ট আমি নিচে (নাম মুছে দিয়ে) ছাপছি - তারা আমাদেরকে নিয়ে কি ভাবে তা দেখানোর জন্যে, এবং তা নিয়ে কিছু কথা বলার জন্য। উপরের কমেন্টি ছাড়া সব কমেন্ট প্রথম পারাতে লিংক দিয়া আর্টিকেল থেকে। 

ধর্ম ও ইসলাম 

মসুলমান হিসেবে আমার হজরত লুতের গল্প অনেক শুনতে হয় 

এ কমেন্টটা এ পর্যন্ত সবচেয়ে বেশি লাইক পেয়েছে। কোরানএ হজরত লুতের কথা লেখা আছে, এবং অনেকেই আমাদের মনে করিয়ে দিতে পছন্দ করে কিভাবে পুরা এক জাতিকে ধংশ করে দেওয়া হয়েছিল সমকামিতার জন্য। কিন্তু সবাই একই সাথে ভুলে যায় যে (১) এখানে পুরুষদের সমকামী ধর্ষণ নিয়ে কথা হয়েছে আর (২) লুতের মানুষের আরো অনেক পাপ ছিল, এবং তাদের শেষ পর্যন্ত শাস্তি হয় এ সব পাপ গুলোর জন্য, এবং আল্লাহর কথা নিন্দা করার জন্য। মানুষ আরো ভুলে যায় যে কোরানের অন্য অংশে এমন লোকেরও কথা লেখা আছে যাদের মহিলাদের প্রতি কোনো আকর্ষণ নাই। এবং এখানে তো সুধু পুরুষদের নিয়ে কথা হচ্ছে - মহিলা সমকামীদের তাহলে কিভাবে এ সুরা দিয়ে অশিকার করা যায়?

Opinion: Pride Colours in Dhaka

The parade - image taken from Gay for Girls

Update (20th April 2014): According to the Gay Star News article here, they spoke to the organisers and this was not a Pride march but rather a rally to celebrate diversity and friendship with LGBT and allied participation. Personally I think this is a good stance and a very good first step. I'm leaving this and my other blog posts as they originally were, but including this note for clarity - the assumptions about it being a Pride march were mine based on news and social media reactions.

Update (19th April 2014): I've translated some of the social media reactions to this here.

Apparently there was a Pride parade in Dhaka on Tuesday 14th April during the city's Pahela Boishakh (or Bengali New Year) celebrations. I don't have any concrete details right now, including the identity of the organisers or what their intent was. I've come across a lot of comments on Twitter and Facebook from LGBTQ themed pages and links to mainstream media reports. However, these have all been in Bengali so below is a translation of an article from priyo.com. I have the text clipped in case the article is removed. I will also update with any details as I come across them.

Comments have been mostly negative, but there is some positivity there too. Comments are social, religious as well as political. Some are in English. I may do a follow post translating some of the Bengali comments soon. It is interesting to note that the Roopbaan group mentioned below is now no longer on Facebook. I wonder why - too much homophobia, a hack or the government?

Opinion: Political Pride

I marched at London Pride this year. Unmasked, not in any kind of fancy dress. I'm not sure when during this journey I started to feel secure enough in myself to do that. I guess a lot has changed in the last year. I've graduated from university, gotten myself a cushy job and finally emancipated myself from the parents. I'm by now (actively or by power of rumour) out to a few of my family, most of my friends and even colleagues at work. My parents still don't know, but I no longer live my life worrying about what happens when they find out.

Who says Pride can't be political?

Shahbag: Blog on Hold

The Shahbag protests in Dhaka, Bangladesh have been the biggest the country has seen in decades

The blog will be on hold while I dedicate my spare time and Twitter account to the Shahbag protests. If you're unsure of what the Shahbag protests are about, read this article by Tahmima Anam. There is a lot information and misinformation out there. In a nutshell, Bangladesh has finally put on trial Muslim fundamentalist war criminals. These criminals collaborated with Pakistan during our 1971 War of Independence to rape, torture and commit genocide. Their actions resulted in a death toll of three million and rape victims numbering around two hundred thousand. A tribunal recently sentenced one of these war criminals to life in prison. The tribunal has drawn criticism for its methodology (some of it fair),  as well as fallen victim to fundamentalist propaganda (not so fair). Life in prison in Bangladesh can actually mean a very short sentence due to corruption and changing governments. People want a more final solution, and as such are demanding the death sentence. While I am reluctant to encourage the application of death sentences, I do believe it's a better option than letting these criminals roam free again in a few years. 

I will only say one thing pertaining to sexuality in this post. It's rather obvious from my Twitter account that I am bisexual and write about LGBTQ issues. That, as of yet, has not attracted any hostility from anyone I've been interacting with online about Shahbag. I find this fact heartening.

I hope the next time I post Bangladesh will have dealt with the 1971 war criminals and their Islamist-fundamentalist agenda.

Opinion: Perspective

I wonder if I'm close to my parents. I don't really miss them, and moving out from under their roof was a relief. I barely call or email. We talk, but they are the ones who initiate contact. Yet when I fly to their's, it's nice to see them. We have a very open, forthright relationship that should be the envy of many a family. It's been hard work getting here though, as reading some of my other posts will show. We still have our fights and we disagree frequently. Often I wonder if there's any point to working on my relationship with them, given that they'll quite possibly end said relationship if I ever tell them about my sexuality.

I've always said to myself that I need to be realistic about this - the chances of my parents accepting my bisexuality are pretty slim. One day I may have to live my life completely cut off from them, and I'll be fine like I always am. But a few weeks ago I met a bisexual Bangladeshi girl in Dhaka, one who's parents know of her sexuality and are supportive. We were talking about how "out" she is, and she shrugged and told me that her parents knew and were fine with it, so what does it matter if anyone else knows or not? If I'm honest, this made me feel more than a little jealous. It also made me realise that despite the distance between my parents and I, they mean an awful lot to me. And having them in my corner would be an incredible thing.

Opinion: This Guy's Bare Arse Does Nothing For Equality

I also wonder if he's breaking any laws...?

The photo above is from this year's Madrid Pride, also known as Mado 2012. Not from the actual parade, or from any parade related event. It was just a day in the week leading up to the parade, and this guy was out promoting his club. The posters on the wall next to him were all advertising Pride themed sex parties and gay saunas. A few minutes down the road was another guy with a mike encouraging the boys to "eat each other out". It seemed to me, the uninitiated novice, that Pride was all about men who were into men, and their sexual hedonism. Lesbians, along with many other members of the community, were conspicuously absent. While I was possibly just in the wrong part of Chueca, Madrid's gay district, my first brush with Pride has left me less than impressed.