আমার উভকামিতা: খালাতো বোনের প্রতিক্রিয়া

আমার দৃষ্টিকোণ  

আমি যদি কখনো বলতে চাই যে আমি কারোর সাথে বড় হয়েছি, তাহোলে আমার এই খালাতো  বোনের কথা বলতে হয়। আমাদের বয়সের পার্থক্য মাত্র দু বছর (ও বড়), এবং খুব ছোটবেলায় আমরা কয়েক বছর একসাথে কাটিয়েছি। বাংলাদেশের অনেকটাই আমি দেখি ওর চোখ দিয়ে। আমাদের বরাবর অনেক ঘনিষ্টতা: আমরা দুজনেই পরিবারে বড় সন্তান, সবকিছু অন্য সবার আগে করে এসেছি।বড় হওয়ার পর একে-অন্যের গোপন কথা রক্ষা করে এসেছি। ও বরাবরই আধুনিক বাংলাদেশের সাথে আমার সংযোগ - যে বাংলাদেশের সাথে আমার মা-বাবা, বিশেষ করে আমার বাবা, কখনই আমাকে পরিচয় করিয়ে দিতে পারেনি।

ওকে আমার উভকামিতার কথা বলতে অনেক দিন লেগে যায় কারণ কিছু মানুষকে এটা সামনা-সামনি বলা দরকার, এবং ও ছিল তাদের একজন। আমি ওকে অবশেষে বলার সুযোগ পাই আমার ভার্সিটি শেষ হওয়ার পরের গ্রীষ্মের ছুটিতে। আমি অনেক আগেই বুঝি যে ওর LGBT মানুষের প্রতি বিশেষ কোন বিরুপতা নেই - এমনকি আমি প্রথম বাংলাদেশী LGBT মানুষের কথা শুনি ওরি কাছ থেকে। যেমন ওর স্কুলে নাকি একজন পুরুষালী লেজ্বিয়ান ছিল যার যৌনতা কারোর কাছে তেমন কোন বড় ব্যাপার ছিল না। আমি ওর কাছ থেকে যখন-তখন এই ধরনের এক দুই কথা শুনতাম, কিন্ত এই কথাগুলো ও যখনই বলত না কেন সেটা কোন ওর মুখে ঘৃন্না বা অপ্রীতি ছিল না। আমি বসে বসে এসব খুব মনোযোগ দিয়ে শুনতাম, কারণ তখন এ পৃথিবীটা আমার নাগালের বাইরে। কিন্ত কয়েক বছর পরে এসে আমার উভকামিতার কথা ওকে বলতে গিয়ে এসব উধারণ নিজেকে মনে করিয়ে সান্তনা দিতে কষ্ট হচ্ছিলো। অন্য একজন ক্লাসমেটের যৌনতা নিয়ে ওর সমস্যা না থাকলেও, নিজের ভাইয়ের ব্যাপারে কি ঠিক সে একই কথা প্রযোজ্য? কাছের মানুষ হোলে অনেক কিছুই মানতে কষ্ট হয়।

Coming Out to...the Closest Cousin

My Thoughts

If I can claim I ever grew up with someone, it would be her. Just two years apart in age (she's older), we spent our very early childhood together. My relationship with her is one that colours my impressions of Bangladesh quite strongly. We are, in my mind, part of the original set: the firstborns and the trailblazers. As such, I've always felt solidarity with her, and we've been each other's intermittent confidantes whenever our lives have intersected. She's taught me a lot about our religion, starting with the rules of prayer to various other aspects overlooked by mechanised religious education. She always was and continues to be my gateway to contemporary Bangladesh - a world which my parents, my father especially, have never been able to connect me to. She was one of those people I took so long to tell because it had to be done face to face. I finally did it the summer after I finished university, during those last few months of freedom at home before I left to start my job in the UK. 

I knew she had no qualms about LGBT people - in fact my first stories about LGBTQ Bangladesh came from her. There was the story of the butch lesbian at her school, for example, who's sexuality was apparently an open and unremarkable secret. All she ever told me were snippets rather than complete narratives, but they were all woven into our daily conversations without malice or condemnation. I would lap it all up, the stories of a world that back then was closed to me. Fast forward a few years though, and those few non-judgemental snippets seemed like shaky ground to stand on as I told her. I feared her rejection - not an outright rejection but the not-in-my-own-backyard kind of rejection. Just because she's cool with a classmate's sexuality doesn't mean she'll be cool with mine. It hits harder when it's someone close.

Coming Out to...the Male Friend

My Thoughts

First of all, apologies for the odd title. In no way do I want to suggest that this particular friend's defining quality is the fact that he is male. It's just that in the context of this post his gender becomes very relevant. If you look at the timeline of friends and family I've come out to, it quickly becomes evident that most of the voices on my blog are female. 

There's a very specific reason for that: growing up I had this fear that male friends would reject me thinking that I wanted to have sex with them. Thus I shied away from discussing my sexuality with them and opted to speak to female friends instead. In my mind back then, even if my female friends did not react positively to my bisexuality, I thought that they wouldn't feel personally threatened by it. Of course, I've learned since then that many heterosexual women are quite insecure around bisexuality, and maybe I'll cover that in another post.

Coming back to this particular friend, I have to say that thankfully none of my fears ever materialised. I do try to pick my battles carefully, and when I came out to this friend I presupposed that he wouldn't react too negatively. He's calm and logical, and frankly he's also far too nice for hostility. Still, I've been lucky, as sadly I've met many others who's friends haven't reacted quite so well.

Opinion: Notes on Pride 2014

Pride in London

Visibility is important

I marched at London Pride again this year, with Imaan as usual. Rather than repeating least year's post, I wanted to write about a few things that were new this year.

We started the day with a heavy dose of rain and Islamophobia, the latter of the two courtesy of an official Pride In London steward. Said steward had decided to move Imaan away from behind a gay Catholic group called The Quest - our original marching position - in case there were problems. One of the Imaan committee members had to speak to the steward before we were allowed to march from our planned spot. I don't know if any apology was given, but I believe the committee will try to contact Pride In London themselves so I hope to find out more in the future. The Islamophobic insinuation was appalling, and generally a poor way to start the day.

Coming Out to...the Colleagues, Part 3

Challenges at a Multinational

I consider myself to be relatively safe within the UK. My sexuality (as perceived since I am bisexual) has only ever resulted in mild homophobic abuse from strangers in public when out with male partners. No case has been anything that I've not been able to brush off or glare away.

At work I've felt even safer - my immediate colleagues are all very accepting. However, they are all from the UK or have been based in the UK for quite some time, a country where LGBTQ acceptance levels are generally high. I often find myself wondering about the tolerance and acceptance I would encounter at my company's offices around the world, especially in countries where levels of LGBTQ acceptance are low. I often travel to these countries for work, and I wonder what kind of balance I should strike between my personal safety versus being open and giving people the benefit of doubt.

Opinion: Bangladeshis React to Gay Pride

Apparently the next march should be bombed

Update (20th April 2014): According to the Gay Star News article here, they spoke to the organisers and this was not a Pride march but rather a rally to celebrate diversity and friendship with LGBT and allied participation. Personally I think this is a good stance and a very good first step. I'm leaving this and my other blog posts as they originally were, but including this note for clarity - the assumptions about it being a Pride march were mine based on news and social media reactions.

Every year on the 14th of April we celebrate Pahela Boishakh in Bangladesh. This year was no exception, except for the short rainbow themed rally that took place right after the main New Year's march. Bystanders may not have exactly understood the nature of the rally at the time, but people soon realised what it was given the later media reaction. Priyo.com published an article on the march, and people - just like the commenter above - have since been reacting on Facebook, Twitter and various blogs. A translation of the article can be read here.

I am very grateful to the people behind the rally as what they did was incredibly brave. I've always wanted Bangladesh to make advances with respect to LGBTQ rights, but I didn't think I would see such an event so soon. However, there is still quite a long path ahead of us in terms of acceptance if people's reactions are anything to go by. Below are a set of thematically arranged comments, most popular in terms of likes, that people have made in response to the aforementioned article on the rally. 

Names and pictures are blacked out, and I'm only describing the gist of each comment as opposed to doing word by word translations. Feel free to get in touch if you want an exact translation of anything below. 

Religion and Islam 

As a queer Muslim one gets used to hearing the story of Prophet Lut

The above comment talks about the story of Lut, and has had the most likes on the site so far. People often like to remind queer Muslims about how God destroyed an entire population for the sin of homosexuality. But what everyone seems to forget is that (1) the context of that story is male homosexual rape, (2) the people in question had committed a number of other sins and were ultimately destroyed for denying God. People also forget or probably don't even realise that the Quran affirms the existence of men who have no desire for women without any negative connotations and talks about accepting diversity. 

মতামত: সমকামীদের প্রতি বাংলাদেশি মানুষের পতিক্রিয়া

আমাদেরকে নাকি বোমা ফাটিয়ে মেরে ফেলা উচিত

উপডেট (২০ এপ্রিল ২০১৪)ঃ গে স্টার নিউজ নামে একটি ইংরেজি অনলাইন সাইট রিপোর্ট করছে যে এটা ঠিক 'গে প্রাইড প্যারেড' ছিল না। আর্টিকেলটি পড়তে পারবেন এখানে। রূপবান, জারা এ প্যারেডের জন্য দায়ী, তারা বলেছে যে এটা মানুষের মধ্যে যে বৈচিত্রতা ও বন্ধুত্ব হতে পারে সেটা তুলে ধরার জন্য আয়োজিত করা হয়েছিল। আমার মতে এটা তাও খুব ভালো একটা পদক্ষেপ, বিশেষ করে আমাদের দেশের কথা চিন্তা করলে। আমি আমার এই এবং অন্যান্য ব্লগ পোস্টগুলো পাল্টাছি না তবে এ নোটটা উপড়ে দিয়ে রাখছি ইনফর্মেশনের জন্য। এ প্যারেডটা যে 'প্রাইড প্যারেড' ছিল তা আমি ভেবেছিলাম শুধুমাত্র নিউজ ও সোশাল মিডিয়ার পতিক্রিয়া দেখে।

গত মঙ্গলবার ১৪ এপ্রিল আমরা ১৪২১ সালের পহেলা বৈশাখ উদজাপন করলাম, যেমন আমরা করি প্রতি বছর। কিন্তু এ বছর মঙ্গল শোভাযাত্রার পরে কিছু মানুষ রংধনুর রঙে রাঙানো ছোট্ট একটি মিছিল বের করেছিল। ঠিক ওই মুহুর্তে জনসাধারণ বুঝতে না পারলেও পরে সবাই ঠিক বুঝতে পারে যে এটা একটি 'সমকামী র‍্যালি' ছিল।এ নিয়ে priyo.com এ একটি লেখাও চাপা হয়েছে। এ লেখা, ফেসবুক, টুইটার ও বিভন্ন ব্লগে অনেক বাংলাদেশী মানুষের বিভিন্ন পতিক্রিয়া প্রকাশ হয়েছে - উপরের ছবির মানুষটির কমেন্টের মতন।

এই কারনেই যারা এ মিছিলের আয়োজন করেছে, তাতে অংশ গ্রহণ করেছে তাদের কাছে আমি কৃতজ্ঞ। এরখম একটা কাজ করা সাহসের ব্যাপার। আমার আশা ছিল যেয়ে আমার জীবনে দেশকে এ বিষয়ে অগ্রগতি করতে দেখে জাব। এতো তাড়াতাড়ি এরখম জিনিস দেখবো তা ভাবিনি। তবে সাধারণ মানুষের আমাদেরকে গ্রহণ করতে এখনো অনেক দিন বাকি। মানুষজনের কিছু প্রসঙ্গ অনুযায় বেশি 'লাইক' পাওয়া কমেন্ট আমি নিচে (নাম মুছে দিয়ে) ছাপছি - তারা আমাদেরকে নিয়ে কি ভাবে তা দেখানোর জন্যে, এবং তা নিয়ে কিছু কথা বলার জন্য। উপরের কমেন্টি ছাড়া সব কমেন্ট প্রথম পারাতে লিংক দিয়া আর্টিকেল থেকে। 

ধর্ম ও ইসলাম 

মসুলমান হিসেবে আমার হজরত লুতের গল্প অনেক শুনতে হয় 

এ কমেন্টটা এ পর্যন্ত সবচেয়ে বেশি লাইক পেয়েছে। কোরানএ হজরত লুতের কথা লেখা আছে, এবং অনেকেই আমাদের মনে করিয়ে দিতে পছন্দ করে কিভাবে পুরা এক জাতিকে ধংশ করে দেওয়া হয়েছিল সমকামিতার জন্য। কিন্তু সবাই একই সাথে ভুলে যায় যে (১) এখানে পুরুষদের সমকামী ধর্ষণ নিয়ে কথা হয়েছে আর (২) লুতের মানুষের আরো অনেক পাপ ছিল, এবং তাদের শেষ পর্যন্ত শাস্তি হয় এ সব পাপ গুলোর জন্য, এবং আল্লাহর কথা নিন্দা করার জন্য। মানুষ আরো ভুলে যায় যে কোরানের অন্য অংশে এমন লোকেরও কথা লেখা আছে যাদের মহিলাদের প্রতি কোনো আকর্ষণ নাই। এবং এখানে তো সুধু পুরুষদের নিয়ে কথা হচ্ছে - মহিলা সমকামীদের তাহলে কিভাবে এ সুরা দিয়ে অশিকার করা যায়?

Opinion: Pride Colours in Dhaka

The parade - image taken from Gay for Girls

Update (20th April 2014): According to the Gay Star News article here, they spoke to the organisers and this was not a Pride march but rather a rally to celebrate diversity and friendship with LGBT and allied participation. Personally I think this is a good stance and a very good first step. I'm leaving this and my other blog posts as they originally were, but including this note for clarity - the assumptions about it being a Pride march were mine based on news and social media reactions.

Update (19th April 2014): I've translated some of the social media reactions to this here.

Apparently there was a Pride parade in Dhaka on Tuesday 14th April during the city's Pahela Boishakh (or Bengali New Year) celebrations. I don't have any concrete details right now, including the identity of the organisers or what their intent was. I've come across a lot of comments on Twitter and Facebook from LGBTQ themed pages and links to mainstream media reports. However, these have all been in Bengali so below is a translation of an article from priyo.com. I have the text clipped in case the article is removed. I will also update with any details as I come across them.

Comments have been mostly negative, but there is some positivity there too. Comments are social, religious as well as political. Some are in English. I may do a follow post translating some of the Bengali comments soon. It is interesting to note that the Roopbaan group mentioned below is now no longer on Facebook. I wonder why - too much homophobia, a hack or the government?

Coming Out to...the Unexpected Best Friend

My Thoughts

I found her wandering around our house during one of my parents' innumerable parties. There were no other people there our age, so it was perhaps inevitable that we would start talking. I learned that she was a few years older than me and had only recently moved to England from Bangladesh herself. We were similarly liberal, outspoken and opinionated - and so obviously we got on like a house on fire. We were only occasional friends though, meeting now and then at different social and community events until my parents eventually relocated to Bangladesh yet again.

Coming Out to...the Little Brother

My Thoughts

Growing up, I was always aware that my parents wanted me to respect certain Bangladeshi cultural boundaries. I had no interest in doing this, but I toed the party line nevertheless for fear of the consequences. Whenever I did do anything against their wishes, it was either done in a clandestine manner or accompanied by lots of cajoling and placating. My little brother, on the other hand, has always taken a different approach to the parents – pretending that he is completely unaware of their expectations, culturally or otherwise. This has let him go and do whatever he wants, and feign ignorance later to avoid the consequences.

Coming Out to...the Youngest Aunt

I've always worried about coming out to older Bangladeshis. LGBTQ issues don't even seem to exist for them, so how can they be understanding of my sexuality? But I guess you never know till you try.

This post is about my aunt who lives in the States. Earlier this year I flew over to hers as I'd not seen her in half a decade, and I came out to her while I was there. It was unlikely I'd be able to do it face to face any other time in the near future, so I thought I should take the chance. She is the first and currently only Bangladeshi over a certain age to whom I have revealed my bisexuality to. She doesn't know about this blog, and so right now I can only write about my point of view. Hopefully one day that'll change, and I'll be able to share her thoughts as well.