LGBT Asia: Thoughts About Bisexuality

I promised a follow up post to the short talk I gave at the Southbank Centre a few weeks ago, so here it is. With anything we write or say beyond cathartic self-expression, I believe the reactions people have to our work are very important to note. Given the short amount of time we had for discussion, I wouldn't say any of us had the chance to fully articulate our positions. As such, I don't want to single anyone out or criticise anyone, and will rather be speaking generally. The below is an amalgamation of themes that arose from discussions after the event had come to a close, and I wanted to expand on certain impressions people seem to have of bisexuality that keep cropping up in my life.

One of the most honest things I've heard in a while was around jealousy, and how gay men and lesbians may be jealous of bisexuals given we are capable of having heterosexual relationships. As perceived by them, this allows us to gain access to heterosexual privileges and shields us from homophobic discrimination. And yet, our realities are often a little more complicated. It's true that heterosexual relationships are still more socially accepted - whether in Bangladesh or the UK. And in Bangladesh, some very significant legal barriers fall away as soon as you are involved with the opposite sex. And so to a certain extent, I can understand the jealousy. It's rooted in how our world is currently structured and not something to be dismissed - although it's important to note it's not this way because of something bisexuals have done. But there is more to it than that. If you're openly bisexual, the homophobia, and indeed the biphobia, don't suddenly go away. We merely face a different set of prejudices and stereotypes when we enter an opposite-sex relationship - the questions about when we're going to cheat, when we're going to “switch” sexualities again, and of course the "everlasting taint" of any same-sex partners from our past. So yes, while we may be able to get married, and get that couple's honeymoon deal no-awkward-questions-asked, acceptance itself can remain an elusive goal.

Making Progress or Losing Ground: LGBT Asia

Being Bisexual: Navigating Invisibility & Practicality

Level 5 Function Room, Royal Festival Hall

Last weekend I spoke at this Alchemy Festival event in the Southbank Centre. Organised by Bobby Tiwana, it was a brief look at South Asian LGBT communities in the home countries and the diaspora through the perspectives of various speakers. It was an intimate affair attended by around 40 to 50 people, with short talks followed up with café-style discussions among the audience and facilitators. I am posting the text of my speech below, which touched upon both bisexuality and the wider environment faced by LGBTQ people in Bangladesh. 

"I didn’t know the Bengali word for bisexual until I Googled it while I was at university. I didn’t actually even know the English word 'bisexual' until I was thirteen or so. Before then, I’d thought I was the weird gay kid who liked girls on the side.

I thought it would be good to start with some humour, but honestly I’m telling you this because it sets the tone for the rest of what I’m going to say, about how bisexuality is often not discussed or mentioned, or misunderstood.

I think bisexuals make many heterosexual and homosexual people uncomfortable - often because they’re confused by us. Maybe to an external monosexual observer, it can look like I’m pursuing men one day, and then the next day I flick a switch, become straight, and am pursuing women. And I guess this can be quite disconcerting, especially for a group of people who’ve built their activism around the slogan that sexual minorities do not choose to be attracted to who they’re attracted to. 

Opinion: Personal Milestones

I was in Bangladesh over the winter, but it seems I don't have
much to report back. 

I haven't written for the blog in quite some time, and so first and foremost my apologies to anyone who's been waiting for an update. In truth, I haven't been writing because I haven't had much to report. As you may know, I write thematically - and my current series of posts focus on coming out to different people in different situations. And I feel I've now reached a point where I've written almost as much as I can on this topic. 

I spent a sizeable part of my winter break in Bangladesh, and I had originally intended to speak to various members of my extended family about my bisexuality during this time. However, in the midst of all the reunions and family photos sessions, I realised how unimportant the issue had become to me. I don't mean to say I no longer identify with the principle of being open and comfortable with one's sexuality. Rather, as a result of this principle I lead a fairly transparent life now. Those who want to know about me can easily find out through social media or mutual connections. This means telling people, especially people who I am not particularly close to, is a low priority in my life. Any conversations I would have had with certain relatives would have felt forced. I would never discuss my intimate personal or romantic life with some of them, no matter what the gender of my partner - we just aren't that close. Once upon a time I may have contemplated braving through a few awkward conversations to create awareness, but there needs to be a balance between that and what is one's personal space. My extended family will find out in time anyway, as I tell the remaining important people in my life about my bisexuality. 

On that note, I have the odd story I may still want to tell, but I feel the next (and possibly only) important milestone left to me on this theme are my parents. I don't know when this milestone will pass, and so I will give no indication of dates. In the meantime, I want to focus on other things. I have my career to work on, a subject I do not discuss on this blog except where it becomes relevant in terms of my sexuality. I am at peace with my personal beliefs, which comes easily when one realises religion is always down to interpretation. This holds true no matter what the status quo insists, and however much judgement they pass without genuine awareness of LGBTQ realities. There are many scholars, past and present, who's works people have recommended - perhaps it is time I get around to looking into them. And just because I have fewer personal stories to publish doesn't mean I can't continue to write about issues that are important to me, which will usually converge around LGBTQ equality, Bangladesh and Islam. I have a collection of thoughts, notes and mutilated essays on these very topics sitting on my dashboard. Over the coming months, I will be concentrating on publishing these, once I've managed to organise them in a way that makes sense. Until then, I will be on Twitter as usual. 

Coming Out to...the Closest Cousin

My Thoughts

If I can claim I ever grew up with someone, it would be her. Just two years apart in age (she's older), we spent our very early childhood together. My relationship with her is one that colours my impressions of Bangladesh quite strongly. We are, in my mind, part of the original set: the firstborns and the trailblazers. As such, I've always felt solidarity with her, and we've been each other's intermittent confidantes whenever our lives have intersected. She's taught me a lot about our religion, starting with the rules of prayer to various other aspects overlooked by mechanised religious education. She always was and continues to be my gateway to contemporary Bangladesh - a world which my parents, my father especially, have never been able to connect me to. She was one of those people I took so long to tell because it had to be done face to face. I finally did it the summer after I finished university, during those last few months of freedom at home before I left to start my job in the UK. 

I knew she had no qualms about LGBT people - in fact my first stories about LGBTQ Bangladesh came from her. There was the story of the butch lesbian at her school, for example, who's sexuality was apparently an open and unremarkable secret. All she ever told me were snippets rather than complete narratives, but they were all woven into our daily conversations without malice or condemnation. I would lap it all up, the stories of a world that back then was closed to me. Fast forward a few years though, and those few non-judgemental snippets seemed like shaky ground to stand on as I told her. I feared her rejection - not an outright rejection but the not-in-my-own-backyard kind of rejection. Just because she's cool with a classmate's sexuality doesn't mean she'll be cool with mine. It hits harder when it's someone close.

Coming Out to...the Male Friend

My Thoughts

First of all, apologies for the odd title. In no way do I want to suggest that this particular friend's defining quality is the fact that he is male. It's just that in the context of this post his gender becomes very relevant. If you look at the timeline of friends and family I've come out to, it quickly becomes evident that most of the voices on my blog are female. 

There's a very specific reason for that: growing up I had this fear that male friends would reject me thinking that I wanted to have sex with them. Thus I shied away from discussing my sexuality with them and opted to speak to female friends instead. In my mind back then, even if my female friends did not react positively to my bisexuality, I thought that they wouldn't feel personally threatened by it. Of course, I've learned since then that many heterosexual women are quite insecure around bisexuality, and maybe I'll cover that in another post.

Coming back to this particular friend, I have to say that thankfully none of my fears ever materialised. I do try to pick my battles carefully, and when I came out to this friend I presupposed that he wouldn't react too negatively. He's calm and logical, and frankly he's also far too nice for hostility. Still, I've been lucky, as sadly I've met many others who's friends haven't reacted quite so well.

Coming Out to...the Colleagues, Part 3

Challenges at a Multinational

I consider myself to be relatively safe within the UK. My sexuality (as perceived since I am bisexual) has only ever resulted in mild homophobic abuse from strangers in public when out with male partners. No case has been anything that I've not been able to brush off or glare away.

At work I've felt even safer - my immediate colleagues are all very accepting. However, they are all from the UK or have been based in the UK for quite some time, a country where LGBTQ acceptance levels are generally high. I often find myself wondering about the tolerance and acceptance I would encounter at my company's offices around the world, especially in countries where levels of LGBTQ acceptance are low. I often travel to these countries for work, and I wonder what kind of balance I should strike between my personal safety versus being open and giving people the benefit of doubt.

Opinion: Bangladeshis React to Gay Pride

Apparently the next march should be bombed

Update (20th April 2014): According to the Gay Star News article here, they spoke to the organisers and this was not a Pride march but rather a rally to celebrate diversity and friendship with LGBT and allied participation. Personally I think this is a good stance and a very good first step. I'm leaving this and my other blog posts as they originally were, but including this note for clarity - the assumptions about it being a Pride march were mine based on news and social media reactions.

Every year on the 14th of April we celebrate Pahela Boishakh in Bangladesh. This year was no exception, except for the short rainbow themed rally that took place right after the main New Year's march. Bystanders may not have exactly understood the nature of the rally at the time, but people soon realised what it was given the later media reaction. Priyo.com published an article on the march, and people - just like the commenter above - have since been reacting on Facebook, Twitter and various blogs. A translation of the article can be read here.

I am very grateful to the people behind the rally as what they did was incredibly brave. I've always wanted Bangladesh to make advances with respect to LGBTQ rights, but I didn't think I would see such an event so soon. However, there is still quite a long path ahead of us in terms of acceptance if people's reactions are anything to go by. Below are a set of thematically arranged comments, most popular in terms of likes, that people have made in response to the aforementioned article on the rally. 

Names and pictures are blacked out, and I'm only describing the gist of each comment as opposed to doing word by word translations. Feel free to get in touch if you want an exact translation of anything below. 

Religion and Islam 

As a queer Muslim one gets used to hearing the story of Prophet Lut

The above comment talks about the story of Lut, and has had the most likes on the site so far. People often like to remind queer Muslims about how God destroyed an entire population for the sin of homosexuality. But what everyone seems to forget is that (1) the context of that story is male homosexual rape, (2) the people in question had committed a number of other sins and were ultimately destroyed for denying God. People also forget or probably don't even realise that the Quran affirms the existence of men who have no desire for women without any negative connotations and talks about accepting diversity. 

Opinion: Pride Colours in Dhaka

The parade - image taken from Gay for Girls

Update (20th April 2014): According to the Gay Star News article here, they spoke to the organisers and this was not a Pride march but rather a rally to celebrate diversity and friendship with LGBT and allied participation. Personally I think this is a good stance and a very good first step. I'm leaving this and my other blog posts as they originally were, but including this note for clarity - the assumptions about it being a Pride march were mine based on news and social media reactions.

Update (19th April 2014): I've translated some of the social media reactions to this here.

Apparently there was a Pride parade in Dhaka on Tuesday 14th April during the city's Pahela Boishakh (or Bengali New Year) celebrations. I don't have any concrete details right now, including the identity of the organisers or what their intent was. I've come across a lot of comments on Twitter and Facebook from LGBTQ themed pages and links to mainstream media reports. However, these have all been in Bengali so below is a translation of an article from priyo.com. I have the text clipped in case the article is removed. I will also update with any details as I come across them.

Comments have been mostly negative, but there is some positivity there too. Comments are social, religious as well as political. Some are in English. I may do a follow post translating some of the Bengali comments soon. It is interesting to note that the Roopbaan group mentioned below is now no longer on Facebook. I wonder why - too much homophobia, a hack or the government?

Coming Out to...the Unexpected Best Friend

My Thoughts

I found her wandering around our house during one of my parents' innumerable parties. There were no other people there our age, so it was perhaps inevitable that we would start talking. I learned that she was a few years older than me and had only recently moved to England from Bangladesh herself. We were similarly liberal, outspoken and opinionated - and so obviously we got on like a house on fire. We were only occasional friends though, meeting now and then at different social and community events until my parents eventually relocated to Bangladesh yet again.

Coming Out to...the Little Brother

My Thoughts

Growing up, I was always aware that my parents wanted me to respect certain Bangladeshi cultural boundaries. I had no interest in doing this, but I toed the party line nevertheless for fear of the consequences. Whenever I did do anything against their wishes, it was either done in a clandestine manner or accompanied by lots of cajoling and placating. My little brother, on the other hand, has always taken a different approach to the parents – pretending that he is completely unaware of their expectations, culturally or otherwise. This has let him go and do whatever he wants, and feign ignorance later to avoid the consequences.

Coming Out to...the Youngest Aunt

I've always worried about coming out to older Bangladeshis. LGBTQ issues don't even seem to exist for them, so how can they be understanding of my sexuality? But I guess you never know till you try.

This post is about my aunt who lives in the States. Earlier this year I flew over to hers as I'd not seen her in half a decade, and I came out to her while I was there. It was unlikely I'd be able to do it face to face any other time in the near future, so I thought I should take the chance. She is the first and currently only Bangladeshi over a certain age to whom I have revealed my bisexuality to. She doesn't know about this blog, and so right now I can only write about my point of view. Hopefully one day that'll change, and I'll be able to share her thoughts as well.

Coming Out to...the Colleagues, Part 2

Tentative Steps

It's been a few months now since I first told someone at work that I'm bisexual. He was driving at the time, and I'm glad he didn't crash the car from shock or something. He actually told me he was glad I'd shared something personal because it felt like we were closer now. I wanted to tell him to stop being so nauseating, but I kept my mouth shut as it was the right kind of reaction.

Opinion: Political Pride

I marched at London Pride this year. Unmasked, not in any kind of fancy dress. I'm not sure when during this journey I started to feel secure enough in myself to do that. I guess a lot has changed in the last year. I've graduated from university, gotten myself a cushy job and finally emancipated myself from the parents. I'm by now (actively or by power of rumour) out to a few of my family, most of my friends and even colleagues at work. My parents still don't know, but I no longer live my life worrying about what happens when they find out.

Who says Pride can't be political?

Coming Out to...the Colleagues, Part 1

Setting the Scene

The environment I work in is often assumed to be homophobic

No matter how apprehensive I may have been about coming out to friends and family, I still maintained a semblance of control over their reactions. The same wasn't quite true for the world of work. Protected as I may be under UK law, I am not immune to any potentially negative reactions from colleagues. Furthermore, any organisational bias within my company is still beyond my ability to influence. 

However, my biggest fear has always been that my sexuality, or my revelation of such, would limit the scope of my career. My work often takes me out of the fairly safe realms of the UK. I've already found myself working in remote regions of Africa. I hope that over time I'll find myself working on cutting-edge projects in even more inaccessible, challenging locations. But the truth is, sexuality and the acceptance of sexual minorities will often be unexplored concepts in these places. Being openly bisexual alone may be out of the question, nevermind going expat with a boyfriend. Or girlfriend even, as some places require you and your partner to be legally married to get a visa.

Will my company just refuse to send me places because of safety concerns arising from my sexuality? What opportunities will I be excising from my career simply by being out? But then again, no career is worth a life of cowering in the closet. Not to mention the importance of visibility. I'm doing this not just for me but for those who will come after me. And those now who have to live their lives in less than favourable circumstances. 

There won't be 'My Thoughts' or 'Their Thoughts' sections to the rest of these posts given the wide range of people I'll talk about. But hopefully the examples of my colleagues' reactions give you a good indication of my situation at work.

Coming Out to...the Sensible Friend

My Thoughts

I first met her at college in Bangladesh. She's one of a great group of friends I made back home, the real close kind I never thought I'd make so many of. We've always gotten on really well. We're wired the same way, with our to-do lists, control-freak tendencies and drive for perfectionism! In college, she was the nice, smart girl who was out to do good in the world, and had goals that I really respected. But she went to university in the US: the distance and our new lives caused us not to grow apart, but just to generally grow while we were away from each other. A lot has happened to both of us while we've been away for our degrees, and we may never have shared these stories if I hadn't decided to come out to her.

Coming Out to...the Best Friend

My Thoughts

We were introduced by our parents, and as happens with all such introductions, it was awkward and we didn't really get on. Fast forward eight years however, and I can't think of another person who understands me quite like she does. We've had very similar lives - Muslim Bangladeshi parents, the back and forth between home and the other homes, the perennially dynamic existence. 

It didn't take me long to figure out that she wouldn't have a problem with my sexuality, whatever it turned out to be. When we were younger, she'd bring up random bi or gay guys she was friends with. I used to wonder if this was a hint, now I'm sure it was! Occasionally she'd actually ask me if I was straight, and justify her questions by saying I didn't act like most straight guys. But just sometimes, this would also be accompanied by some light-hearted teasing. This was without malice of course, but at the time it was enough for me to clamp up completely about my sexuality.

Coming Out to...

It's been eight long months since I wrote my first (not really serious) post on the blog, and I haven't actually gotten to the meat of what I wanted to say! I only started writing the Coming to Terms With My Bisexuality posts to provide some context to what I actually wanted to talk about: my experiences. But a quick glance below will show that as of yet I'm still translating the last of those posts to Bangla. The process of writing those posts has been to an extent cathartic, yes, but the long delays have mostly been due to me severely underestimating how hard it is to actually write!

My original intention with this blog was to write about people's reactions to my sexuality. Over the next few posts, I will be addressing that intention extensively. I'm going to start by writing about coming out to my close friends, and move forwards from there. I actually have two finished draft posts sitting in my dashboard right now. I am holding off on posting them though because my friends have agreed to write about their own reactions to me coming out. I want to post both their perspective and mine in tandem to give everyone a fuller picture of the situation, and I want to continue doing this for everyone I write about. 

Most of my close friends, some family and even a few colleagues know of my bisexuality by now. Even though I'm not going to write about each and every one of them, I expect this series of posts to go on for quite a while. Unfortunately, as the subject matter of my writing gets more complex, my ability to self-translate to Bangla diminishes. You'll already have seen several opinion pieces which are in English only. I will ask my Bangladeshi friends to write up their own posts in English and Bangla, but beyond that I'm sad to say Bangla posts from now on will be sporadic at best unless I can find someone to help me translate.

I hope, however, that the next series of posts will give everyone a glimpse into situations that I haven't come across as being well documented over the Internet.

Opinion: Perspective

I wonder if I'm close to my parents. I don't really miss them, and moving out from under their roof was a relief. I barely call or email. We talk, but they are the ones who initiate contact. Yet when I fly to their's, it's nice to see them. We have a very open, forthright relationship that should be the envy of many a family. It's been hard work getting here though, as reading some of my other posts will show. We still have our fights and we disagree frequently. Often I wonder if there's any point to working on my relationship with them, given that they'll quite possibly end said relationship if I ever tell them about my sexuality.

I've always said to myself that I need to be realistic about this - the chances of my parents accepting my bisexuality are pretty slim. One day I may have to live my life completely cut off from them, and I'll be fine like I always am. But a few weeks ago I met a bisexual Bangladeshi girl in Dhaka, one who's parents know of her sexuality and are supportive. We were talking about how "out" she is, and she shrugged and told me that her parents knew and were fine with it, so what does it matter if anyone else knows or not? If I'm honest, this made me feel more than a little jealous. It also made me realise that despite the distance between my parents and I, they mean an awful lot to me. And having them in my corner would be an incredible thing.

Coming to Terms with My Bisexuality, Part 3

Acceptance 

Coming to terms with my sexuality has made me a truer, more complete person. It has also been a rather long journey - acceptance only came to me seven or eight years after I first realised that I was...for lack of a better word, different.

My path to self-acceptance began while I was at university in England. England, at least in comparison to Bangladesh, turned out to be the realm of high speed Internet. Not having to wait 10 minutes for a single webpage to load made me feel like all the knowledge in the world was at my fingertips. And no, I didn't exploit this for porn, the novelty of that what worn off by now. Instead, I immersed myself in a multitude of other areas, from re-learning French to finding out more about Linux (didn't make much headway there unfortunately). Over time, out of curiosity more than anything, I found myself exposed to non-erotic gay material. This led me to the concept of healthy, romantic same-sex relationships and the greater discourse that existed around rights and equality. For the first time, being attracted to the same-sex was cast in a positive light, albeit a secular one. 

Opinion: This Guy's Bare Arse Does Nothing For Equality

I also wonder if he's breaking any laws...?

The photo above is from this year's Madrid Pride, also known as Mado 2012. Not from the actual parade, or from any parade related event. It was just a day in the week leading up to the parade, and this guy was out promoting his club. The posters on the wall next to him were all advertising Pride themed sex parties and gay saunas. A few minutes down the road was another guy with a mike encouraging the boys to "eat each other out". It seemed to me, the uninitiated novice, that Pride was all about men who were into men, and their sexual hedonism. Lesbians, along with many other members of the community, were conspicuously absent. While I was possibly just in the wrong part of Chueca, Madrid's gay district, my first brush with Pride has left me less than impressed.