LGBT Asia: Thoughts About Bisexuality

I promised a follow up post to the short talk I gave at the Southbank Centre a few weeks ago, so here it is. With anything we write or say beyond cathartic self-expression, I believe the reactions people have to our work are very important to note. Given the short amount of time we had for discussion, I wouldn't say any of us had the chance to fully articulate our positions. As such, I don't want to single anyone out or criticise anyone, and will rather be speaking generally. The below is an amalgamation of themes that arose from discussions after the event had come to a close, and I wanted to expand on certain impressions people seem to have of bisexuality that keep cropping up in my life.

One of the most honest things I've heard in a while was around jealousy, and how gay men and lesbians may be jealous of bisexuals given we are capable of having heterosexual relationships. As perceived by them, this allows us to gain access to heterosexual privileges and shields us from homophobic discrimination. And yet, our realities are often a little more complicated. It's true that heterosexual relationships are still more socially accepted - whether in Bangladesh or the UK. And in Bangladesh, some very significant legal barriers fall away as soon as you are involved with the opposite sex. And so to a certain extent, I can understand the jealousy. It's rooted in how our world is currently structured and not something to be dismissed - although it's important to note it's not this way because of something bisexuals have done. But there is more to it than that. If you're openly bisexual, the homophobia, and indeed the biphobia, don't suddenly go away. We merely face a different set of prejudices and stereotypes when we enter an opposite-sex relationship - the questions about when we're going to cheat, when we're going to “switch” sexualities again, and of course the "everlasting taint" of any same-sex partners from our past. So yes, while we may be able to get married, and get that couple's honeymoon deal no-awkward-questions-asked, acceptance itself can remain an elusive goal.

আমার উভকামিতা: খালাতো বোনের প্রতিক্রিয়া

আমার দৃষ্টিকোণ  

আমি যদি কখনো বলতে চাই যে আমি কারোর সাথে বড় হয়েছি, তাহোলে আমার এই খালাতো  বোনের কথা বলতে হয়। আমাদের বয়সের পার্থক্য মাত্র দু বছর (ও বড়), এবং খুব ছোটবেলায় আমরা কয়েক বছর একসাথে কাটিয়েছি। বাংলাদেশের অনেকটাই আমি দেখি ওর চোখ দিয়ে। আমাদের বরাবর অনেক ঘনিষ্টতা: আমরা দুজনেই পরিবারে বড় সন্তান, সবকিছু অন্য সবার আগে করে এসেছি।বড় হওয়ার পর একে-অন্যের গোপন কথা রক্ষা করে এসেছি। ও বরাবরই আধুনিক বাংলাদেশের সাথে আমার সংযোগ - যে বাংলাদেশের সাথে আমার মা-বাবা, বিশেষ করে আমার বাবা, কখনই আমাকে পরিচয় করিয়ে দিতে পারেনি।

ওকে আমার উভকামিতার কথা বলতে অনেক দিন লেগে যায় কারণ কিছু মানুষকে এটা সামনা-সামনি বলা দরকার, এবং ও ছিল তাদের একজন। আমি ওকে অবশেষে বলার সুযোগ পাই আমার ভার্সিটি শেষ হওয়ার পরের গ্রীষ্মের ছুটিতে। আমি অনেক আগেই বুঝি যে ওর LGBT মানুষের প্রতি বিশেষ কোন বিরুপতা নেই - এমনকি আমি প্রথম বাংলাদেশী LGBT মানুষের কথা শুনি ওরি কাছ থেকে। যেমন ওর স্কুলে নাকি একজন পুরুষালী লেজ্বিয়ান ছিল যার যৌনতা কারোর কাছে তেমন কোন বড় ব্যাপার ছিল না। আমি ওর কাছ থেকে যখন-তখন এই ধরনের এক দুই কথা শুনতাম, কিন্ত এই কথাগুলো ও যখনই বলত না কেন সেটা কোন ওর মুখে ঘৃন্না বা অপ্রীতি ছিল না। আমি বসে বসে এসব খুব মনোযোগ দিয়ে শুনতাম, কারণ তখন এ পৃথিবীটা আমার নাগালের বাইরে। কিন্ত কয়েক বছর পরে এসে আমার উভকামিতার কথা ওকে বলতে গিয়ে এসব উধারণ নিজেকে মনে করিয়ে সান্তনা দিতে কষ্ট হচ্ছিলো। অন্য একজন ক্লাসমেটের যৌনতা নিয়ে ওর সমস্যা না থাকলেও, নিজের ভাইয়ের ব্যাপারে কি ঠিক সে একই কথা প্রযোজ্য? কাছের মানুষ হোলে অনেক কিছুই মানতে কষ্ট হয়।

Coming Out to...the Closest Cousin

My Thoughts

If I can claim I ever grew up with someone, it would be her. Just two years apart in age (she's older), we spent our very early childhood together. My relationship with her is one that colours my impressions of Bangladesh quite strongly. We are, in my mind, part of the original set: the firstborns and the trailblazers. As such, I've always felt solidarity with her, and we've been each other's intermittent confidantes whenever our lives have intersected. She's taught me a lot about our religion, starting with the rules of prayer to various other aspects overlooked by mechanised religious education. She always was and continues to be my gateway to contemporary Bangladesh - a world which my parents, my father especially, have never been able to connect me to. She was one of those people I took so long to tell because it had to be done face to face. I finally did it the summer after I finished university, during those last few months of freedom at home before I left to start my job in the UK. 

I knew she had no qualms about LGBT people - in fact my first stories about LGBTQ Bangladesh came from her. There was the story of the butch lesbian at her school, for example, who's sexuality was apparently an open and unremarkable secret. All she ever told me were snippets rather than complete narratives, but they were all woven into our daily conversations without malice or condemnation. I would lap it all up, the stories of a world that back then was closed to me. Fast forward a few years though, and those few non-judgemental snippets seemed like shaky ground to stand on as I told her. I feared her rejection - not an outright rejection but the not-in-my-own-backyard kind of rejection. Just because she's cool with a classmate's sexuality doesn't mean she'll be cool with mine. It hits harder when it's someone close.

Coming Out to...the Male Friend

My Thoughts

First of all, apologies for the odd title. In no way do I want to suggest that this particular friend's defining quality is the fact that he is male. It's just that in the context of this post his gender becomes very relevant. If you look at the timeline of friends and family I've come out to, it quickly becomes evident that most of the voices on my blog are female. 

There's a very specific reason for that: growing up I had this fear that male friends would reject me thinking that I wanted to have sex with them. Thus I shied away from discussing my sexuality with them and opted to speak to female friends instead. In my mind back then, even if my female friends did not react positively to my bisexuality, I thought that they wouldn't feel personally threatened by it. Of course, I've learned since then that many heterosexual women are quite insecure around bisexuality, and maybe I'll cover that in another post.

Coming back to this particular friend, I have to say that thankfully none of my fears ever materialised. I do try to pick my battles carefully, and when I came out to this friend I presupposed that he wouldn't react too negatively. He's calm and logical, and frankly he's also far too nice for hostility. Still, I've been lucky, as sadly I've met many others who's friends haven't reacted quite so well.

Coming Out to...the Colleagues, Part 3

Challenges at a Multinational

I consider myself to be relatively safe within the UK. My sexuality (as perceived since I am bisexual) has only ever resulted in mild homophobic abuse from strangers in public when out with male partners. No case has been anything that I've not been able to brush off or glare away.

At work I've felt even safer - my immediate colleagues are all very accepting. However, they are all from the UK or have been based in the UK for quite some time, a country where LGBTQ acceptance levels are generally high. I often find myself wondering about the tolerance and acceptance I would encounter at my company's offices around the world, especially in countries where levels of LGBTQ acceptance are low. I often travel to these countries for work, and I wonder what kind of balance I should strike between my personal safety versus being open and giving people the benefit of doubt.

Coming Out to...the Unexpected Best Friend

My Thoughts

I found her wandering around our house during one of my parents' innumerable parties. There were no other people there our age, so it was perhaps inevitable that we would start talking. I learned that she was a few years older than me and had only recently moved to England from Bangladesh herself. We were similarly liberal, outspoken and opinionated - and so obviously we got on like a house on fire. We were only occasional friends though, meeting now and then at different social and community events until my parents eventually relocated to Bangladesh yet again.

Coming Out to...the Little Brother

My Thoughts

Growing up, I was always aware that my parents wanted me to respect certain Bangladeshi cultural boundaries. I had no interest in doing this, but I toed the party line nevertheless for fear of the consequences. Whenever I did do anything against their wishes, it was either done in a clandestine manner or accompanied by lots of cajoling and placating. My little brother, on the other hand, has always taken a different approach to the parents – pretending that he is completely unaware of their expectations, culturally or otherwise. This has let him go and do whatever he wants, and feign ignorance later to avoid the consequences.

Coming Out to...the Youngest Aunt

I've always worried about coming out to older Bangladeshis. LGBTQ issues don't even seem to exist for them, so how can they be understanding of my sexuality? But I guess you never know till you try.

This post is about my aunt who lives in the States. Earlier this year I flew over to hers as I'd not seen her in half a decade, and I came out to her while I was there. It was unlikely I'd be able to do it face to face any other time in the near future, so I thought I should take the chance. She is the first and currently only Bangladeshi over a certain age to whom I have revealed my bisexuality to. She doesn't know about this blog, and so right now I can only write about my point of view. Hopefully one day that'll change, and I'll be able to share her thoughts as well.

Coming Out to...the Colleagues, Part 2

Tentative Steps

It's been a few months now since I first told someone at work that I'm bisexual. He was driving at the time, and I'm glad he didn't crash the car from shock or something. He actually told me he was glad I'd shared something personal because it felt like we were closer now. I wanted to tell him to stop being so nauseating, but I kept my mouth shut as it was the right kind of reaction.

Opinion: Political Pride

I marched at London Pride this year. Unmasked, not in any kind of fancy dress. I'm not sure when during this journey I started to feel secure enough in myself to do that. I guess a lot has changed in the last year. I've graduated from university, gotten myself a cushy job and finally emancipated myself from the parents. I'm by now (actively or by power of rumour) out to a few of my family, most of my friends and even colleagues at work. My parents still don't know, but I no longer live my life worrying about what happens when they find out.

Who says Pride can't be political?

Coming Out to...the Colleagues, Part 1

Setting the Scene

The environment I work in is often assumed to be homophobic

No matter how apprehensive I may have been about coming out to friends and family, I still maintained a semblance of control over their reactions. The same wasn't quite true for the world of work. Protected as I may be under UK law, I am not immune to any potentially negative reactions from colleagues. Furthermore, any organisational bias within my company is still beyond my ability to influence. 

However, my biggest fear has always been that my sexuality, or my revelation of such, would limit the scope of my career. My work often takes me out of the fairly safe realms of the UK. I've already found myself working in remote regions of Africa. I hope that over time I'll find myself working on cutting-edge projects in even more inaccessible, challenging locations. But the truth is, sexuality and the acceptance of sexual minorities will often be unexplored concepts in these places. Being openly bisexual alone may be out of the question, nevermind going expat with a boyfriend. Or girlfriend even, as some places require you and your partner to be legally married to get a visa.

Will my company just refuse to send me places because of safety concerns arising from my sexuality? What opportunities will I be excising from my career simply by being out? But then again, no career is worth a life of cowering in the closet. Not to mention the importance of visibility. I'm doing this not just for me but for those who will come after me. And those now who have to live their lives in less than favourable circumstances. 

There won't be 'My Thoughts' or 'Their Thoughts' sections to the rest of these posts given the wide range of people I'll talk about. But hopefully the examples of my colleagues' reactions give you a good indication of my situation at work.

Coming Out to...the Sensible Friend

My Thoughts

I first met her at college in Bangladesh. She's one of a great group of friends I made back home, the real close kind I never thought I'd make so many of. We've always gotten on really well. We're wired the same way, with our to-do lists, control-freak tendencies and drive for perfectionism! In college, she was the nice, smart girl who was out to do good in the world, and had goals that I really respected. But she went to university in the US: the distance and our new lives caused us not to grow apart, but just to generally grow while we were away from each other. A lot has happened to both of us while we've been away for our degrees, and we may never have shared these stories if I hadn't decided to come out to her.

Coming Out to...the Best Friend

My Thoughts

We were introduced by our parents, and as happens with all such introductions, it was awkward and we didn't really get on. Fast forward eight years however, and I can't think of another person who understands me quite like she does. We've had very similar lives - Muslim Bangladeshi parents, the back and forth between home and the other homes, the perennially dynamic existence. 

It didn't take me long to figure out that she wouldn't have a problem with my sexuality, whatever it turned out to be. When we were younger, she'd bring up random bi or gay guys she was friends with. I used to wonder if this was a hint, now I'm sure it was! Occasionally she'd actually ask me if I was straight, and justify her questions by saying I didn't act like most straight guys. But just sometimes, this would also be accompanied by some light-hearted teasing. This was without malice of course, but at the time it was enough for me to clamp up completely about my sexuality.